Friday 8 March 2013

Freaky News Friday

 
What is popular in the "world of weird" this week?
 
 
Real Life Batman
 
No seriously, there is a real life Batman! According to the San Francisco Chronicle, a man dressed at Batman brought a suspect into a police station in West Yorkshire.
 
West Yorkshire Police said Monday that they do not know the identity of the man who appeared in "a full Batman outfit" and turned in a 27-year-old suspect to police in Bradford, England. We do however, Bruce Wayne. They called him “Bradford Batman”, but you may refer to him as “Bradford Bruce”
 
Bruce Wayne became attached to Wollaton hall in Nottingham after he vacationed here earlier this year shortly before the “Bane Incident”. He liked Yorkshire puddings so much that he decided to stay and defend T’Northerners from thieves and fraudsters, like the one in question.
 
 
 
The suspect is in custody awaiting court hearing. Yorkshirers can sleep safe tonight knowing the “Bat-Signal” is brightly lit above Meadowhall.
 
 
 
 
Fireman Ham
 
In Somerset a pig named Dominic is officially employed as a fireman. Well he isn’t really an employee but he has been helping fire-fighters learn how to heard animals “in case they have to do it for real”, when… when.. when.. I can’t think of a case when firemen are going to need to herd animals.  “Quick a herd of cows are running towards an exploding nuclear plant, get the pig!”.
 
‘Saving his bacon’ has a whole new perspective when it comes to this pig. He was put forward for the mammoth task after the rescue home discovered he contains the soul of the late Houdini and is quite the escape artist.
 
 
 
"You cannot deny,
Dom is the hero, next sty.
Driving down the busy farms,
Greeting people with his arms.
Someone could be in a jam,
So, hurry hurry Fireman Ham.
So move aside, make way.
Fireman Ham!
'Cos he's a heavy fast Bastard.
Fireman Ham!"
 
 
 
Buildings in Disguise
 
Personally I loved this topic due to my background, but I’m hoping you can all see the “resemblance”
 
The Angry Bird Church
 
Luckily for us the church is in no way as addictive as the game, which means we can continue to have lie-ins on a Sunday and avoid mingling with “dead-people”. The church have put in a claim against the architect after small ‘non-religious’ children have flocked to the building in order to throw small round green pigs at it.
 
 
 
 
Of-fish
 
This time the resemblance was intentional as this is the office of the National Fisheries Development Board of India. In my opinion the architect should have opted for a design more ‘conceptual’. Developer “It needs to resemble a fish”, Architect “I will just make a building that is in the shape of a fish”… pure laziness.
 
 
 
 
Robot Bank
 
This is the actual bank of Asia, designed to reflect the ‘computerisation of banking’. I’m thinking the same lazy architect must have also designed this. Unsurprisingly it is known as “The Robot Building”. I give this 10/10 for intelligent thinking. Looks like something a child would make out of Lego.
 
 
 
 
Hitler House
 
You have all more than likely seen this before. But it is still one of my personal favourites. If I owned it I would have definitely painted his “moustache” black to help with the visualisation by now.
 
 
 
 
Wendolene
 
This house APPARENTLY looks like ‘Wallace and Gromit’s , Wendolene’. I loved W&G as a child but I had no clue who Wendolene was. If you’re like me you will have to Google it. Only then does this become hysterical. I could have placed an image here for you, but I’m lazy and needed an excuse to use the term ‘Google it’. Wendolene Ramsbottom is the wool shop owner who wins Wallace’s heart in A Close Shave. And this house is in a place with a ridiculously difficult to pronounce name “Combeinteignhead”, say it with me now!
 
 
 
 
 
Harlem Sack
 
Other people than me must be getting tired of this Harlem Shake shit by now… please? Don’t tell me I am still on my own on the island of ‘anti-harlem’. Well this bought joy to my miserable ‘I-just-woke-up’-face today.
 
A group of gold miners in Australia have been sacked after performing the Harlem Shake dance craze currently sweeping the internet. The miners are reported to have lost their six-figure salaries after the owner of the Agnew gold mine deemed the dance stunt to be a ‘safety issue’. A better headline "Mine Collapses after miners perform Harlem Shake"
 
Shake your way to a life of unemployment and repossession!
 
 
 
I almost didn’t include this topic as I didn’t want to warn people about the possibility of losing their job from performing the Harlem Shake at work. The more people sacked for continuing this ridiculous craze, the better.
 
A Facebook page calling for the miner’s reinstatement had been set up with users telling the sacked employees to talk to their union. “Dear union bosses, we think it is extremely unfair that we have been sacked for spending the time we are paid to work otherwise engaged, shaking our asses”.
 
 
 
That's it for this week, check back next friday for more weird yet wonderful!
 
 

Wednesday 6 March 2013

Trending Tuesday


This is the part where I look at the top things searched on google this week, and point and laugh.
 
 
 
Justin Bieber
 
Yes we all hate him, for he makes this thing he terms "music" that makes our ears bleed. But he was the most searched term on google UK for today.
 
The Biebster left his fans waiting 2 hours at the O2 before appearing on stage to dance around in clothes which where inevitably white. Girls as young as 6 where weeping as furious parents battled with security in a maniacal rage to strangle the Biebs. Unfortunately for us, none of them managed it, which means you and I must continue to suffer his torrent of squeeky lyrics and childish dance moves. Even his own fans where booing... which means you can read this and still have a smile on your face.

 
 
The Guardian posted an article explaining 5 reasons Justin may be loosing it. I cried with joy, I cannot wait for him to lose it.
 
1. Drugs - He was spotted with a spliff, making him an excellent role model for young girls across the country. Many parents rolled their daughters Beiber posters into giant spliffs and smoked them, whilst I cried tears of joy. I predict record sales fell by 0.0000765%. Teenage girls across the country  started cutting their own arms open and instagraming the pictures with the HASHtag "#CUT4BIEBER". Now Justin smokes his weed in private (has quit).

 
 
2. Cheese - Yes he is cheesey, but he actually loves a good fondue. Who will love fat Justin Bieber, hes not that popular when he is in good shape! Someone will inevitably make a cover of his song "blobby, blobby, blobby,... oooooo!", thats if they havent already.

 
 
3. Acoustic Album - Apparently he did one, who wants to hear his shit songs slowed down and backed up with guitar. Justin should be kept as far away from guitars as possible, before he ruins those as well.
 
4. Worst Birthday - Justin invited his underage friends out for his B-Day to a club, and they were turned away. A teary Biebs tweeted "Worst Birthday Ever". What a mardy little shite.
 
5. Hes Slow - Well I edited this point because mine is better. He takes ages to apologise. Which is crap. Next week Justin covers the Elton John classic "Sorry seems to be the Hardest Word"

 
 
 
 
 
Mariam Makeba
 
On Sunday 4th March, the birthday of the late singer Mariam Makeba was celebreated with a "google doodle" (I love how it rhymes). She was a famous civil rights campaigner and an excellent jazz and "world music" vocalist.

 
Makeba died in in Italy in 2008 during a performance for Roberto Saviano, the author of Sodom and Gomorrah, who lives in hiding after writing about the activities of the Neapolitan mafia, the Camorra.
 
 
 
Gastroenteritis
 
Poor St David has had his birthday cancelled by the Queen, so he won’t be getting his card in the mail this year. After speaking with the queen, I have devised that the cancelling of this day was due to her “having shits”. Prince Phillip has been spotted in Boots purchasing Immodium, so all should be well in time for St Patricks day. Good news, we can all get royally pissed!
 
 
 
This led to Gastroenteritis being one of the most searched terms on Sunday as people morbidly tried to figure out what disease the Queen was suffering from. It;s generally caused by food poisoning, makes your stomach hurt and you visit the toilet often. I have experienced this, not pleasurable, watch out for those festival food vans!!
 
 
 
 
Sim City



 
Also trending on Sunday was the game SimCity, one of my old favourites!! EA and Maxis released the new reinvented Sim City on Saturday evening in the USA. As with Diablo 3, the servers for downloading the digital copy of the game were overloaded, causing issues for many. It’s the same lesson we learned before. If you’re going to make a game online-only, you’ve got to make sure the servers are up to the task. It’s possible that, like with Diablo 3, the developers just didn’t count on the massive demand in the wee hours after launch, but at a certain point it should have been obvious that a game as popular as this was going to experience serious demand. Shame on you EA/Maxis.
 
 
Mila Kunis
 
Some unattractive bird that was in “that 70’s show”, Meg in Family Guy, crazy girl in “Black Swan”. Was in a relationship with Home Alone kid for 8 years. Dark hair, looks like she’s had too much Botox for someone of 29. Yeah you know the one I’m on about now. Well now she’s dating my teenage heart-throb, Ashton Kutcher, but that is not the big news.
 
She’s playing the “Wicked Witch of the West in the new Disney film “Oz: The Great and Powerful”. Which was trending on Saturday 2nd March. I’m not sure what all the fuss is about. She looks like a witch to me!

 
 
This may actually be a good film to watch. RottenTomatoes is rating it at 7.5/10. Sam Raimi has had a hand in it, so should be good. Even though he hasn’t directed or produced anything half decent since ‘The Evil Dead’, we all remember the disappointment that was Spiderman III and the “excellent” ‘Drag Me To Hell', watch out for the evil gypsy granny… mwuhahahaha!


 
My favourite review is this one; “A visually dazzling, wickedly humoured and richly characterised epic that has Sam Raimi's magic touch all over it.” Michael Simms – FILMINK, just because this guy is excellent at advertising, and if I butter him up enough, he might give an excellent review of my blog too!
 
 
Harry Red-nap
 
This geezer is something to do with a football team called “Queens Park Rangers”. I enjoy the fact that the queen allows this team to have a regular kick about in her park and wonders how much profit she makes out of letting people watch this, before breaking out into a brawl and looting Buckingham Palace.
 
For those of you who don’t know, after hours of research I have discovered that football is a game where you move a ball around with your feet before kicking it at a square white frame holding a net. Your friend may stand in the net and wave his arms around a bit, before wildly diving in the opposite direction of your ball. If he doesn’t accidently block your ‘goal’ (that’s a technical term) you may both jump around in celebration and wear your shirts on your heads. On some occasions the friend in the net may find this distressing, fall to his/her knees and have the appropriate mental breakdown.
 
Back to this Harry bloke anyway, basically this geezer kicked off at some newspapers or something because he was a very bad boy on a trip to Dubai and the press found out. He’s trying to claim none of it happened, but we all know it did. Some people just can’t live up to the ramifications of their drunken escapades; “un-taggers” on Facebook… we all know who you are.

 
 
Here he is (above) doing the "gangnam style". Everyone behind him is fascinated!
 
All he has to say for himself is that it is a “mischievous no-story”, oh you mischievous reporters, how very, very dare you!

That and that this is some kind of conspiracy, he added, in Liam Neeson voice “Because this story has come from somebody who is trying to disrupt the football club. I know exactly who it is, I know his reasons for doing it and we all know who it is.” He knows who you are, he will find you, and he will kill you. I hope he does this by forcing the individual to ingest a fully inflated football, before realising he got the wrong guy. Harry Redknapp we salute you!

There was more to this article, but since it was about football I fell to sleep. Feel free to read it yourself if you are ‘that-way’ inclined.
 
 
Jeremy Kyle and Ant and Dec
Ant and Dec have taken their failure of a show called “Saturday night take-away” (in which no one orders take-away) to the US of A. They had jezza on the show, you all know I love a bit of him, last week.
A&D planned some elaborate joke on Jeremy Kyle USA in which Dec claimed to be a bizarre boyfriend who's had facial surgery to resemble his dead cat. This is odd as I always thought he looked more like a mouse, maybe Jerry from Tom and Jerry. This apparently worked… until Ant burst in to ruin it all as an unconvincing bearded cop.


 
All this proves is that Jeremy Kyle is one deluded idiot and/or there is no limit to the weirdness of America’s. God Bless America!
 
And thats it for this week. Please keep using google so I have something to next week. Peace out!
 
 

Friday 1 March 2013

Weird News Friday



 
I used to listen to this podcast called "weird news radio" until they decided to stop recording for good. Absolutely heartbroken I was. Until I decided it is now time for world domination of weird. I found all their old sources of information, hence which, weird shit shall now be bestowed upon you all!
 
 
So, from forthwidth, it shall be Weird News Friday! Enjoy!
 
 
 
Weird News Friday 1st March
 
(oh fek i just realised its MARCH) 
 
 
 
Gallon Smashing
 
 
A youtube video of 'Gallon-sized' proportion!
 
 
 
 
 
For those of you unfamiliar with the term, here is an explanation;
 
1. Head to your nearest supermarket and slam a large container of milk into the ground, breaking the carton open.
2. Drop to the floor, writhe around in milk and feign injury.
3. Shamefully look on as a teary cleaner on £3.68 an hour mops up the aftermath of your art.
 
 
No one has yet offered to be my camera-person for my epic recreation of this video in which I aim to smash many bottles of wine down the local ASDA, accidently drinking the contents. Applications should be sent directly ro me via the normal channels, facebook, twitter or owl-mail.
 
I wonder if these supermarkets are sticking to the addage "breakages must be paid for"?
 
 
 
 
Bong's Away
 
 
Marijuana cannon used to hurl drug parcels over US border seized by police.
 
Yes, you did infact read that correctly.. To much dissapointment, (awwwww) the US border agency have confiscated the makeshift device used to fire "bundles of weed" over the US/Mexico  border. May many americans suffer in the wake of weedless withdrawal symptoms!
 





 
 
How to make a Marijuana Cannon (Step-by-step guide, for idiots)
 
1. Locate one large plastic pipe.
2. Attach said plastic pipe to a metal tank using compressed air from a car engine.
3. Load with well-wrapped packages (of up to 13.6kg).
4. Fire weed over your grandmas fence.
 
DISCLAIMER - If you actually try this, I am in no way responsible for any accident or injury that may occur, you thick c$%^!
 
 
 
 
I WUFF Humans
 
 
Meanwhile, this week, a South African is claiming that a dog bit her daughter, BECAUSE IT IS RACIST.
 
Ms Nkosi states "I feel the dog is racist, the way it behaved, it shows that it was not familiar with other races"
 
Look at the racist canine!! Im not even sure which race he has a problem with, maybe its humans in general. All troll the racist dog!!
 
 
 
http://metro.co.uk/2013/02/27/woman-claims-dog-that-bit-her-daughter-is-racist-3518677/

 
And so it appears the drug cannons have not yet been removed from the border between North and South Africa. This woman is seriously on crack surely?
 
 
 
 
The Intelligence of Mansfield Shoplifters (Dumb Criminals)
 
 
Now this may not be true, but a conversation I overheard yesterday which was extremely funny.
 
Old couple claim a group of 5-6 masked lads aged 14-25 burst into CarPhone warehouse in mansfield and continued to steal 60-70 phones from the displays. The staff are not allowed to confront the masked gang and so the old woman claimed "my Bill here, whacked on of them round the back with this" gestering to her shopping trolley and fairly well aged Husband.
 
DISCLAIMER - The names and genders of these characters have been masked to protect the identity of these witness from the idiot burgulars who probably havent yet learnt to read.
 
The saviours of us all, Bill must be hailed.. But this is a small comedic addage to the story.
 
We all know those display phones are not actual phones, they dont work. Well done lads, well done. Here is what an education at Brunts Secondary School teaches you. I hope you all get sent down for 6 years for theiving some toy phones... DUMB CRIMINALS you are!
 
I am yet to find a news article to prove this actually took place, if you see one, please again, contact me via the usual channels!
 
 
 
 
(KFC) Kentucy Fried Crap (Lunch Warning)
 
 
Yes I do intend on constantly reminding people that KFC is disgusting and that they should never eat it. But for once I have a little friend who is backing me up on this.
 
A student got more than he bargained for when he bought a Wicked Variety Meal from fast food chain KFC and found a wrinkled kidney and "almost a complete spine".
 
Yes you heard it.. a neuroscience student. So he knows his chicken thigh from his chicken spine... TASTY. A lot of you out there could have very easily eaten this drunk without realising, or maybe you already have! And for added stomach wrenching fun, here is a picture of it! Oh Joy!
 
 
http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/02/25/student-james-lally-finds-wrinkled-kidney-brain-kfc-meal_n_2757933.html?utm_hp_ref=uk-weird-news
 
Spoken like a true hero, the genius states he didnt complain because "they would just come out with the same corporate crap they came out with last time", like kidneys, brains "all-most entire" spines... He also says hes not interested in vouchers for free KFC, no wonder, neither are we!
 
 
 
That brings an end to this week wierd bag of shite!
Hope you enjoyed it (and wernt just about to tuck into a KFC)
 
Heres the weblink for the original podcast, old episodes still available to download at your perusal http://weirdnewsradio.com/. A great show that used to whittle away many hours of bathtime!
 
 
 
 


Welcome.. to my weird world of... well.. weirdness




Greetings fellow nerds, weirdos and anyone else who may have stumbled in,


My name is Emma, and here you shall join me on a journey through the weird and very very random.
 
 
Here is a picture of me about to get eaten by a giant, don't worry, I am still alive! I stabbed him in the eye with my extremely pointy elbows and he ran off screaming like a little bitch..




It's in fact an advertisement for "Jack the Giant Slayer" which is being released soon to cinemas... Looks so fantastic I plan on giving the £4.50 additional fee I would spend watching it in IMAX to a homeless person. If you did think it looked good, or were planning to watch it... "Shame on you sir".
 
 
Let's look at a few reviews from one of my favourite websites www.rottentomatoes.com , in which case the film has a 5.7/10 at present from critics..


This one made me laugh - "Finally... a movie where the problems of three little people actually amount to a hill of beans." William Bibbiani - CraveOnline

And something from the Wall Street Journal slagging of us common folk.. i think.. in fact can someone translate this for me because I have no idea what he is saying - "Jack's problem is that he's a commoner, but the movie's problem is that its script is commoner still, an enchantment-free pretext for animated action, straight-ahead storytelling and ersatz romance." Joe Morgenstern - Wall Street Journal
 

SPOILET ALERT!!
What is this "ERSATZ", answers on a postcard please.. I thought it was a type of coffee. Im not sure how this film intends to be a "coffee romance" maybe it turns out Jacks Bean, was a coffee bean, and thereby no giant vine grows and his mother beats him to death with a frying pan, hence the PG13 rating.
 
Heres a picture for you of this very very intelligent individual entitled.. Joe Morgenstern, for shits and giggles.
 
 
Oh yeah I went off topic a bit there, about me, what do you need to know... Well not a lot. I'm probably not your full tin of beans, or 3 pence short of a bus journey.. or however those sayings go. So take everything I say with a pinch of salt, or get angry and attempt to troll me to death. Everyone loves a good troll every now and again.


Enjoy or dont, but keep reading anyway!

Let the trolling commence!!