Trending Tuesday

This is the part where I look at the top things searched on google this week, and point and laugh.

 

 

 

Justin Bieber

 

Yes we all hate him, for he makes this thing he terms "music" that makes our ears bleed. But he was the most searched term on google UK for today.

 

The Biebster left his fans waiting 2 hours at the O2 before appearing on stage to dance around in clothes which where inevitably white. Girls as young as 6 where weeping as furious parents battled with security in a maniacal rage to strangle the Biebs. Unfortunately for us, none of them managed it, which means you and I must continue to suffer his torrent of squeeky lyrics and childish dance moves. Even his own fans where booing... which means you can read this and still have a smile on your face.

 

 

The Guardian posted an article explaining 5 reasons Justin may be loosing it. I cried with joy, I cannot wait for him to lose it.

 

1. Drugs - He was spotted with a spliff, making him an excellent role model for young girls across the country. Many parents rolled their daughters Beiber posters into giant spliffs and smoked them, whilst I cried tears of joy. I predict record sales fell by 0.0000765%. Teenage girls across the country  started cutting their own arms open and instagraming the pictures with the HASHtag "#CUT4BIEBER". Now Justin smokes his weed in private (has quit).

 

 

2. Cheese - Yes he is cheesey, but he actually loves a good fondue. Who will love fat Justin Bieber, hes not that popular when he is in good shape! Someone will inevitably make a cover of his song "blobby, blobby, blobby,... oooooo!", thats if they havent already.

 

 

3. Acoustic Album - Apparently he did one, who wants to hear his shit songs slowed down and backed up with guitar. Justin should be kept as far away from guitars as possible, before he ruins those as well.

 

4. Worst Birthday - Justin invited his underage friends out for his B-Day to a club, and they were turned away. A teary Biebs tweeted "Worst Birthday Ever". What a mardy little shite.

 

5. Hes Slow - Well I edited this point because mine is better. He takes ages to apologise. Which is crap. Next week Justin covers the Elton John classic "Sorry seems to be the Hardest Word"

 

 

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/shortcuts/2013/mar/05/five-signs-justin-bieber-losing-it

 

 

 

Mariam Makeba

 

On Sunday 4th March, the birthday of the late singer Mariam Makeba was celebreated with a "google doodle" (I love how it rhymes). She was a famous civil rights campaigner and an excellent jazz and "world music" vocalist.

 

Makeba died in in Italy in 2008 during a performance for Roberto Saviano, the author of Sodom and Gomorrah, who lives in hiding after writing about the activities of the Neapolitan mafia, the Camorra.

 

 

 

Gastroenteritis

 

Poor St David has had his birthday cancelled by the Queen, so he won’t be getting his card in the mail this year. After speaking with the queen, I have devised that the cancelling of this day was due to her “having shits”. Prince Phillip has been spotted in Boots purchasing Immodium, so all should be well in time for St Patricks day. Good news, we can all get royally pissed!
 

 

 

This led to Gastroenteritis being one of the most searched terms on Sunday as people morbidly tried to figure out what disease the Queen was suffering from. It;s generally caused by food poisoning, makes your stomach hurt and you visit the toilet often. I have experienced this, not pleasurable, watch out for those festival food vans!!

 

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2013/mar/03/what-is-gastoenteritis

 

 

 

Sim City

 

Also trending on Sunday was the game SimCity, one of my old favourites!! EA and Maxis released the new reinvented Sim City on Saturday evening in the USA. As with Diablo 3, the servers for downloading the digital copy of the game were overloaded, causing issues for many. It’s the same lesson we learned before. If you’re going to make a game online-only, you’ve got to make sure the servers are up to the task. It’s possible that, like with Diablo 3, the developers just didn’t count on the massive demand in the wee hours after launch, but at a certain point it should have been obvious that a game as popular as this was going to experience serious demand. Shame on you EA/Maxis.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/davidthier/2013/03/05/simcity-launch-marred-by-server-problems/

 

 

Mila Kunis

 

Some unattractive bird that was in “that 70’s show”, Meg in Family Guy, crazy girl in “Black Swan”. Was in a relationship with Home Alone kid for 8 years. Dark hair, looks like she’s had too much Botox for someone of 29. Yeah you know the one I’m on about now. Well now she’s dating my teenage heart-throb, Ashton Kutcher, but that is not the big news.

 

She’s playing the “Wicked Witch of the West in the new Disney film “Oz: The Great and Powerful”. Which was trending on Saturday 2nd March. I’m not sure what all the fuss is about. She looks like a witch to me!

 

 

This may actually be a good film to watch. RottenTomatoes is rating it at 7.5/10. Sam Raimi has had a hand in it, so should be good. Even though he hasn’t directed or produced anything half decent since ‘The Evil Dead’, we all remember the disappointment that was Spiderman III and the “excellent” ‘Drag Me To Hell', watch out for the evil gypsy granny… mwuhahahaha!

 

My favourite review is this one; “A visually dazzling, wickedly humoured and richly characterised epic that has Sam Raimi's magic touch all over it.” Michael Simms – FILMINK, just because this guy is excellent at advertising, and if I butter him up enough, he might give an excellent review of my blog too!

 

 

Harry Red-nap

 

This geezer is something to do with a football team called “Queens Park Rangers”. I enjoy the fact that the queen allows this team to have a regular kick about in her park and wonders how much profit she makes out of letting people watch this, before breaking out into a brawl and looting Buckingham Palace.
 

For those of you who don’t know, after hours of research I have discovered that football is a game where you move a ball around with your feet before kicking it at a square white frame holding a net. Your friend may stand in the net and wave his arms around a bit, before wildly diving in the opposite direction of your ball. If he doesn’t accidently block your ‘goal’ (that’s a technical term) you may both jump around in celebration and wear your shirts on your heads. On some occasions the friend in the net may find this distressing, fall to his/her knees and have the appropriate mental breakdown.
 

Back to this Harry bloke anyway, basically this geezer kicked off at some newspapers or something because he was a very bad boy on a trip to Dubai and the press found out. He’s trying to claim none of it happened, but we all know it did. Some people just can’t live up to the ramifications of their drunken escapades; “un-taggers” on Facebook… we all know who you are.

 

 

Here he is (above) doing the "gangnam style". Everyone behind him is fascinated!

 

All he has to say for himself is that it is a “mischievous no-story”, oh you mischievous reporters, how very, very dare you!

That and that this is some kind of conspiracy, he added, in Liam Neeson voice “Because this story has come from somebody who is trying to disrupt the football club. I know exactly who it is, I know his reasons for doing it and we all know who it is.” He knows who you are, he will find you, and he will kill you. I hope he does this by forcing the individual to ingest a fully inflated football, before realising he got the wrong guy. Harry Redknapp we salute you!

There was more to this article, but since it was about football I fell to sleep. Feel free to read it yourself if you are ‘that-way’ inclined.

 

 

Jeremy Kyle and Ant and Dec

Ant and Dec have taken their failure of a show called “Saturday night take-away” (in which no one orders take-away) to the US of A. They had jezza on the show, you all know I love a bit of him, last week.

A&D planned some elaborate joke on Jeremy Kyle USA in which Dec claimed to be a bizarre boyfriend who's had facial surgery to resemble his dead cat. This is odd as I always thought he looked more like a mouse, maybe Jerry from Tom and Jerry. This apparently worked… until Ant burst in to ruin it all as an unconvincing bearded cop.

 

All this proves is that Jeremy Kyle is one deluded idiot and/or there is no limit to the weirdness of America’s. God Bless America!

 

And thats it for this week. Please keep using google so I have something to next week. Peace out!